I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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