first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
