just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
