If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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