so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
