last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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