I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
