so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
