So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
