I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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