dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
