a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
