I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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