Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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