Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
