I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
