i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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