I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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