omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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