I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Boobs speak an international language.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
