Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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