I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
