i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
