can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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