My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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