Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
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