Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
