It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize