just come out here and I will go home with you...
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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