I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
