Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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