I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
