thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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