A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
