He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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