if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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