I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
