just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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