My first STD was from a foam party
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Also, beer. Big fan.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
