What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
