Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
