'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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