I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
