The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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