i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
