I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
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