my vag is so smooth its legendary
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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