running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
