I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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