Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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