So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
