I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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