The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
