it's like iHOP with fire
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
