you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
