I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
