nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
