I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
