It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
