I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
